


The Ache For Love Was Palpable

by hannelore



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Cross-Generation Relationship, Crushes, F/F, HP Cross Gen Fest 2020, Minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Mutual Pining, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:27:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25541317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannelore/pseuds/hannelore
Summary: Lily once had a crush no one ever knew about. She thought it was just a schoolgirl pash on a favorite professor, but working for the Order throws her and McGonagall constantly together. Even though she's a married woman now, Lily's feelings for Minerva come back in a rush, even stronger than before."I didn't know then what I wanted, but the ache for it was palpable."- Sue Monk Kidd, The Mermaid Chair
Relationships: Minerva McGonagall/Lily Evans Potter
Comments: 14
Kudos: 23
Collections: HP Cross Gen Fest 2020





	The Ache For Love Was Palpable

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to my wonderful beta sdk and the mod for being so awesome! A very special thanks to perverse_idyll for the lovely prompt, which was so good it was perfect as a summary word for word. ♥

Lily startled awake at the toll of the bell. She sat upright, wincing at the pain in her lower back. She'd fallen asleep during her watch _again._ The hood of her cloak had been pulled low to keep out the chill, maybe Minerva hadn't noticed—

"It's been two hours since your watch was over," Minerva said without looking her way. "You ought to go get yourself some proper sleep."

Lily looked up apologetically. Molly, bless her, was pretending not to notice. Lily got to her feet, feeling every ache and twinge from having fallen asleep against the church spire. The three of them had been (well, two of them) watching a reported Death Eater safe house since after suppertime. Lily had already been out with the Order that morning, but she offered to help regardless. Because Minerva would be on the watch.

"Won't happen again," Lily mumbled as she pushed back her hood. "Did I miss anything?"

"You've been on far too many night missions," Molly said. Lily supposed Molly was hoping to cut Minerva off at the pass as Lily had already gotten this lecture before. "Go on and get some sleep, love. Gideon and Fabian are already on their way."

It was still dark, but Lily hadn't known how many times the bell had rung. She felt exhausted. Falling asleep had felt like no sleep at all.

"Right," Lily said as she reached for her broom. She glanced Minerva's way but the woman's gaze was still upon the entrance to the house down below. Molly touched Lily's shoulder with a fond smile. 

"See you back at the house then," Lily added. She nodded to Minerva, though she didn't look back to see if the glance was returned. "Professor."

—

Lily squinted through the spitting snow as she urged her broomstick toward home. Now out of earshot, she swore aloud. 

"Didn't even wake me up," Lily said. "Like I'm a bloody _child._ "

Even though she was long past due to return home, the house was dark and the bedroom door closed. James had probably been asleep for a while. She supposed that was one other thing to be grateful for. He didn't fret; he didn't tell her she ought to not take such late watches or dangerous tasks. 

The cold wind had woken her up and now she didn't feel sleepy at all. She ran water into the teapot and set it on the stovetop, putting on a cardigan as she watched. She was thinking of Minerva, practically perching at the edge of the steeple like a hawk. She felt warmer now and pulled the cardigan closer.

Several weeks ago, Lily and several other members of the Order were about to finish up a meeting at Amelia Bones' home when Minerva thought they were being watched. The fireplace had been put out along with all the lights. Lily couldn't even remember how long they sat in the darkness, but it felt like hours. She had been so cold, she had to clench her teeth tightly together so they wouldn't chatter. When Minerva finally lit a nearby candle, she had reached for a cardigan slung over a nearby armchair and handed it to Lily.

"You'll catch your death of cold," Minerva said. "Here."

Lily had worn it home and hoped Minerva had forgotten to ask for it back. She closed her eyes and rubbed her thumb lightly over the wool. Sadly, the cardigan was losing the scent she had inhaled for weeks now. She imagined Minerva behind her, embracing her. She startled again at the fainted sound of the teapot's whistle, quickly taking it off the stove as her fantasy disappeared into steam.

—

"You know she's trying her best," Molly said, rubbing her hands together briefly before pulling her gloves back on. "Don't be too rough."

"Rough?" Minerva scoffed. "I didn't say a word."

"You implied it," Molly chided. "You don't have to say a word, Minerva. You just _are._ "

Minerva shuffled her boots, kicking off snow. She hadn't said anything because she'd been... thinking. She'd noticed Lily had fallen asleep long before Molly did. Lily had said she'd just sit a moment since she'd turned her ankle the day before and it was still bothering her. 

Her cardigan had looked comically large on Lily when she gave it to her that night long ago. Poor girl was shivering so much and Potter looked like he was going to wet his trousers, scared stiff he was. That night could have proved very dangerous; the Order knew many of them were probably being followed. 

"See you tomorrow, then?"

Minerva looked up, feeling foolish for being lost in such thoughts. She nodded.

—

Minerva remembered draping that same cardigan around Rolanda's shoulders, when they were together a long time ago. Rolanda liked it when the fireplace had burned down to nearly cinders. They would sit close together, laughing and sharing stories long into the night. 

But like Pomona and after one brief night with Poppy, Rolanda would break things off. It always seemed to end the same way. Little things became larger arguments and soon they were no longer cuddled close on the sofa but sitting stiffly apart. When Rolanda left, Minerva's heart closed up against any romantic love she had or might have ever had again. She was still warm to her friends and she felt fortunate her her past lovers were among them. But no one else scratched the surface of her long-suffering soul. 

Until Lily. 

—

Lily startled awake. She heard and smelled sausages frying in the kitchen. She'd fallen asleep on the sofa, Minerva's cardigan draped over her chest. All this sleeping and waking, she felt so groggy she had no idea _which_ morning it was. 

"You up?" It was not James, but Molly whose bright smile peered around the corner. "Breakfast's on." 

Lily yawned and saw the table was set just for the two of them. 

"James went out earlier, had to do a look-around with Arthur so I thought I'd cook you up something." 

"Thanks, Mum." Lily pressed a quick kiss to Molly's cheek as she sat down. Molly was everyone's mum, that she had made very clear once Lily and James had joined the Order. 

"Don't worry about Minerva getting peevish with you," Molly said as she placed a plate in front of Lily. "But I thought I'd warn you first. She's put you off late nights for a fortnight." 

"Why?" Lily protested. "That's not fair; she can't say what I can and can't do for the Order." 

Molly gave her a look and Lily slumped, shoveling food in her mouth only because her stomach was rumbling painfully. 

"You know very well what Minerva says goes," Molly said as she sat down across the table at her own plate, picking up her fork and knife. "Besides, you _have_ been on too many late nights, love. What if there had been Death Eaters there last night? You need to be well rested for that sort of thing and I would say that to anyone." 

"I know," Lily said as she speared a sausage with a baleful look. "Fine." 

"Don't think I haven't noticed," Molly said as she stirred sugar in her tea. That made Lily sit upright, nervous. 

"Noticed what?" 

"You don't need to try so hard to prove your worth to us," Molly said. Lily breathed a sigh of private relief that Molly hadn't said 'to _Minerva_.' "You're doing more than what's asked for and you're very good at it." 

"Thanks," Lily said. "But I'm not trying to be a show-off or anything, you know." 

"Oh I know," Molly said with a smile. "You're the very opposite of a show-off." 

Molly cradled her teacup in her hands, watching Lily over the rim. Lily tilted her head slightly like a wary hound. 

"What?" 

Molly sighed. "Do you know how many children I've had?" 

Oh no. Now Lily felt the chill creeping back up her spine as if she was on the church rooftop again. 

"I know a pash when I see one, dear." 

"What do you mean?" Lily tried to joke, looking down as she took a bite of sausage. She was the very appearance of a lack of nonchalance, damn it all. "You're practically my mum." 

"Yes, I'm aware." 

Lily dared a look up and saw Molly was smiling broadly. Lily swallowed hard. 

"That obvious?" 

"I can't even count how much older she is than you," Molly said, sipping at her tea. "You're certainly not the first but you're getting close to practically _everyone_ knowing that you would leap at the chance to be on watch with Minerva." 

"It's— it's not like that," Lily stammered. "I admire her. She's been my Professor practically forever and... and I want her to know I'm good enough for the Order." 

"She already knows!" Molly said, setting her teacup with a clatter that made Lily jump. "I feel like I'm repeating myself here, we _all_ do. But your heart is what's obvious. 'Yes, Professor. Of course, Professor.' Did you ever notice you don't call any of your other elders in the Order by their title?" 

"Remus told me not to," Lily said, shifting guiltily in her chair. Molly glared at her. "All right, all right. But it's not what you think it's just… just a silly thing, like you said. Us all being in the Order, it just feels like we're somewhat on the same footing and I don't feel quite so much like her student anymore." 

"You're practically still a child," Molly added. 

"I'm not!" Lily got up suddenly, feeling her face grow even redder when Molly tried to suppress a smile. 

"Sit down," Molly said in a voice that brooked no argument. "You want to be treated like a grown-up, then stop behaving in such a silly way. I'm just giving you a motherly warning and that's that." 

— 

"Tonight's watch," Minerva announced. "I need Lupin, Weasley— Arthur, that is, and Alice. We leave in a half hour. Any questions?" 

Molly got up first, as she normally did after supper, calling to her brothers to help clear the table. Amid the scraping of chairs against the floor and quiet conversation, Minerva glanced quickly toward Lily. She was talking to Dorcas about something amusing, judging from the smile on her face. Minerva gathered her parchment and strained to hear the girls' conversation. 

"— got the night off then! Thought maybe you and James might want to go to the cinema?" 

"Really should catch up on some sleep." 

"C'mon, we're young. Sleep later!" 

James must have been overhearing along with Minerva because he returned the table, bumping up against Lily. 

"I'll go if she won't." 

Lily made a face, though Minerva recognized that kind of look. She felt a strange pang of jealousy of how fondly Lily looked at him. Minerva moved slowly down the table, pretending to look over her notes. 

"You two go on ahead," Lily said. "Do something fun on your night off, all right?" 

"All right," Dorcas said as she patted James on the back. "Guess it's just us then. Cheers, Lily!" 

Minerva watched Lily's gaze follow them for a moment, then return to her mug of nearly untouched butterbeer. Lily looked up and Minerva wasn't ready— caught off guard, she found herself quite unable to move. If Lily noticed anything odd, she wasn't letting it show. She smiled at Minerva and gave her a slight nod. Two allies acknowledging each other. Lily made to get up from the table, but Minerva couldn't help herself. 

"Miss Potter," Minerva said. "Could I see you for a moment? In the kitchen?" 

Minerva chided herself. She'd panicked, trying to think of someplace nearby that didn't seem out of the way and somehow she'd come up with the kitchen? But it was too late to fix it. Lily looked taken aback, but fortunately only slightly. 

"Regarding your most recent watch," Minerva added, making her voice unnecessarily gruff. Lily looked more resigned as she got up from the table. But the look made Minerva relax a bit, at least the girl thought she was in trouble and that Minerva was not… what _was_ Minerva doing? 

Minerva realized too late that she would have to close the kitchen door in order to not be interrupted. Thankfully with supper long past, no one should be coming in. Not to mention she didn't have much time, needing to be off on the watch herself. She felt the same butterflies as when she'd asked Poppy to come by her office late one night. 

Lily tugged a little nervously at her sleeve. Minerva felt hot underneath her robes, but she had committed to speaking to Lily now. She might as well go through with it. 

"It was in my schedule to have you on watch tonight," Minerva straightened her back, slipping into her well-practised professorial tone. "But since you had insisted on being on duty several times already, I felt a change was needed." 

"You think I'm overly eager," Lily said. It was more of a resignation than a question. Minerva was so aware of how close they were standing to each other and it was distracting. Lily had a plain black barrette that was coming slightly loose. Minerva noticed that Lily would often tuck her hair back over the round curve of her ear, such a slight offhand motion that was almost erotic. Minerva yearned to do it for her. 

"I think you're very talented," Minerva said, straining to bring herself back into control. But there was something about Lily was unravelling her. She wanted to undo the small barrette, lean against her and kiss her. Against the mundane objects in the kitchen, everything she found enticing about Lily was clearer in her sight. 

"That— that being said," Minerva said, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "This is dangerous work. I know you know that and we all must be at our best. At all times." 

"Of course," Lily said. She looked at Minerva and for one brief moment, though most certainly imagined, Lily looked as if she _knew_ Minerva's heart. Lily's eyes widened slightly and her lips parted as if she was going to speak. 

If she were Rolanda or Pomona, would Minerva have kissed her? Minerva grabbed a packet of biscuits, pretending to busy herself for the watch ahead. 

"I'm glad we understand each other," Minerva said. "Good night, Miss Potter. Sleep well." 

— 

_Meet us at the Potter house. It's urgent._

As soon as she Apparated, Molly was there. 

"I'm sorry for the curt note," Molly said. "They're all right, but— _he_ was here." 

Minerva walked past Molly into the house. James was talking to Lupin in a low voice while Lily was sitting at the table, staring at her folded hands. 

"What happened?" 

"I don't know how he got in," Lily said. Minerva was rather surprised at how calm Lily seemed to be, particularly when James seemed incredibly out of sorts. "James was upstairs and I was just about to go up too when the kitchen door was blown apart." 

"You're sure it was him?" Minerva said. The name didn't need to be spoken if it was Voldemort. If it had been any other Death Eater, Lily would have said. 

Lily nodded. "He didn't even try to attack me. It was so strange. He just… smiled and then Disapparated away." 

"He wanted to be sure," Molly sighed, glancing at Minerva. "Perhaps we should move them." 

"No!" Lily said. "Look— oh, _Reparo._ " She waved her wand at the door and the splintered wood mended itself back into the frame. "This is our home, we've only just barely gotten our own place. I don't want to leave!" 

"But if it's not safe," Molly said, frowning. 

"Molly's right," Lupin said. He and Molly exchanged worried looks. "At least stay the night with me so we can investigate in the morning." 

"I'll go upstairs and get some things together," James said with a hesitant glance toward Lily. 

"Good," Molly said, giving Lily's shoulder a squeeze. "You're so brave, love. We'd do this for any in the Order. Don't feel singled out. Come on, Remus, let's have a look outdoors just to make sure no one else is there." 

Once they were alone in the kitchen, Lily gave Minerva a small smile. 

"I noticed you didn't say anything." 

"I think you're right," Minerva said, putting her hands on the back of the opposite chair. She was still choosing her words carefully. This _was_ a dangerous situation. "I think you've got this well in hand. Aurors have fled at the sight of You-Know-Who. You didn't." 

Lily practically beamed with pride and in that moment Minerva felt she'd never quite seen Lily as the young woman she had become until now. She had already been an excellent student, but now this was real life and she was putting her studies to good use. And she was not afraid. 

Her mother's old cardigan was on the back of an armchair, folded as if someone had put it there with care. Lily seemed to notice where Minerva was looking and grabbed it, looking apologetic. 

"Sorry, I meant to give it back." 

"It's all right," Minerva said. She gripped the chair more tightly, her heart pounding. "You never know when you might need that old thing." 

"I've needed it a lot," Lily said. "It's warm and perfect for moments when I'm not feeling so sure of myself." 

"I'm glad it can give you comfort," Minerva said. She was about to say 'It was my mother's,' but in this conversation Minerva wanted to think of the cardigan as _hers._ Maybe a part of herself. 

"Is it odd to have comrades in the Order that were once your students?" Lily said. "I mean, I guess in many ways I still think of many of you as my professors." 

"It's strange at first," Minerva admitted, "but one realizes that the children aren't… children anymore." 

But not exactly equals either, Minerva thought. Lily sank down in the armchair, the cardigan on her lap. Minerva seemed caught between staying and leaving. She knew James could come downstairs any moment. 

"I appreciate you seeing me more than just a student," Lily said. She said it slowly, as if emphasizing what their hearts could feel for each other. "It makes me want to fight harder. To be stronger and braver so that other children after me won't have to live with this." 

Lily held the cardigan tightly in her hands, meeting Minerva's gaze. Had Minerva been someone like Molly or Lupin, she could have embraced Lily but that wasn't Minerva's way. She had not coddled students, especially not from her own House. Her heart thumping wildly, Minerva felt a certain pride in Lily's determination. 

"It makes my job easier too," Minerva said. "We don't need to come rushing every time something happens. You're a witch in your own right in every possible way. And if he should ever come again, I know you'll stop him. I'll see you at the meeting tomorrow evening." 

— 

After Minerva left, Lily put on the cardigan and went to the kitchen door. She peered out into the cold night, wondering if anyone was out there. She heard James banging around upstairs; drawers opening and closing. Her wand was out, gripped tightly in her hand. She had never felt so secure and certain; not scared at all. She felt calmer than she had in months now that she knew she could count on Minerva not just as an ally, but as a friend. 

Lily brought up her wand and called on charms of protection, her voice strong and determined. She strung them up all around the house until they glittered like Christmas lights. The lights faded as the charms settled into the woodwork. Lily pulled the cardigan a little more closely around her as she admired her work. 

"Full marks, Miss Evans," Lily said aloud, echoing Professor Flitwick's words. She smiled to herself. "Let _Voldemort_ try to get through that." 

**Author's Note:**

> This work is part of the 2020 Harry Potter Cross Gen Fest. The author will be revealed at the end of August.


End file.
